Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what a night it was.. I did the fox-trot, cha-cha, galop, paso-doble, and even the zapateado!!... I must of stepped on 5 damned leggo's on my way to the bathroom last night

   Relationships are like tattoos. They seem a good idea at the time.

   If you owe me money, until you pay me, don't expect any of our conversations to be pleasant.

   Thou shall not call thyself a barbie, when thou looketh like precious!

   2012 has arrived on schedule. Please wait until the New Year has come to a complete STOP before unfastening your seatbelts....

   I'm hoping for major changes in 2012. Like getting ice out of the freezer and not having one piece always falling on the floor.

   Happy 20dozen!

   You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says "Drive faster and put me under the seat."

   Facebook would be a lot better if they had an “Ignore all engagement and wedding posts” option

   Slippery Slope of New Years Resolutions: 1st Resolution: Go to the gym every day. 2nd: Feel guilty for not going. 3rd: Pie.

   Blasting Chumbawumba, and I'm not gonna stop until the realtor showing the house next door pays me to.

   Dear People taking photos of the expensive alcohol you are drinking and p0sting them: Stop it!!

   I remember 2011 like it was yesterday

   Welcome to Facebook Timeline....Ended at midnight 31 December 2011

   I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work

   Last New Year's, people promised me that 2011 would be MY year. Those people are liars and are no longer my life coaches

   Rap is what happens when you can't hold your bragging inside anymore.

   The bare toilet paper tube next to my open lap top tells you all you need to know about last night.

   How many times of day can you worry about being pecked to death by a flock of seagulls before it finally comes true?

   Never trust an Avon lady who doesn't wear any makeup. The whole thing is probably a front for her organ-harvesting business.