Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook and Twitter are no different than commun¡st countries who control the media. Although they aren't government entities, they still have far reaching influence due to their sizable presence.

   I bought a watch at a secondhand store and it's real slow. I played cards with my buddies later that evening and the second hand lost a second every second hand.

   I'm beginning to believe whoever said "Hindsight is 2020" was sending a message to the future we all misunderstood.

   It's important to look closely at all the campaign signs. Last election I voted for a real estate agent.

   I was kidnapped by a gang of Mimes earlier!! They did unspeakable things to me...!

   Life is like a helicopter... I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

   I know I have to watch Borat 2 to get the full story on the Rudy situation. But until the movie comes out, I'm gonna assume Rudy is guilty because it pisses people off.

   I'm getting through the elections without a headache by using a wonderful Facebook feature you can find under settings then scrolling down to where it says log out.

   I don't have a secret china bank account anymore because it's no longer a secret.

   As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

   Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

   Me: "Hey Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..."

   Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

   Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

   October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

   Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

   *Comes home with seven 5 lb bags of Halloween candy. Husband: Didn’t you see the email? There’s no trick or treating in the neighborhood this year. Me: I saw it.

   the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when I got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

   My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

   Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes