Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was editing my profile and couldnt figure whether to put masturbation under activites or interests.

   Circles are straighter than Justin Bieber.

   If being sarcastic burned calories, Id look like half of an Olsen Twin.

   you know you're getting old when the morning after pill is a percocet

   Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money.

   Today, I just finished my first week of unemployment. I don't have any money. I also just finished the last toilet paper roll.

   Your face is just fine, but you'll have to put a bag over that personality.

   Life is short, we only get to live it once, so live and love and give it all you got!!

   A good man will admit when hes wrong.. A really good man will change the subject... Without the other party even realizing it..

   Oh so you're not a slut? What are you a volunteer prostitue or something?

   I just thought of something. What happens if you become addicted to cold turkey?

   If the house is a rockin', we are probably having an earthquake.

   Freedom of choice....... I am Free and you are not my choice!

   You win some, you lose some, and if your lucky, you get some.

   You know....spring must be just around the corner....I just saw 2 crackheads pawning a space heater....who needs a dumbass groundhog?

   I'd rather die than commit suicide.

   On a Sunday afternoon, if I dont wake up with a headache, well that just means I was outta liquor or cash...

   I'm so out of your league, even your fantasy version of me ignores you.

   I was mugged by 2 chinese guys. I told the police how they looked like and they narrowed it down to 53,000 suspects.

   Someone stole my coffee cup from work yesterday. I'll be back, gonno go down to the police station to look at some mug shots.