Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish people would stop mocking my fat friend. She's got enough on her plate.

   Sharks kill about 5 people yearly, vending machines kill 23. Do I really want that bag of Doritos?

   An old lady at the park said to me today, "I see your dog's fetching balls."I said, "I know he has but, at your age, you shouldn't really be looking."

   Imagine how many more YouTube hits that "Kony 2012" video would have had if they had included a cat with his head stuck in a paper bag.

   You're so old your idea of going out on a Friday night is taking a walk to the outhouse.

   The ONLY reason I haven't unfriended you yet is because you have huge boobs and I have a feeling that I would miss seeing them.

   excuse my french but when a hot girl tells me "voulez vous coucher avec moi" I turn very "gay"!

   I tried it & it worked! It gived me your mothers address

   To all the people claiming how much better the android is then the iPhone id like to see you ask your android "where da hoes at!?" and get a response like "there are 3 amount of strip clubs near by.

   Today's secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.

   Wow Justin Bieber still well and alive... Only in US and God Bless America! In most of countries, guys like him don't get to make it to sweet 16...

   By the time you are old enough to go out and drink on your birthday... People stop putting money in your birthday cards so that you can actually afford to go out!

   just broke his taint. With no insurance. Worse Day Ever!!!!

   The weather lady on channel 6 says she expects to get a few inches tonight..!

   I don't have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.

   I found the iPad 3 announcement especially disappointing because I'm still standing in line for my iPad 2.

   Coors Light Iced Tea? Really??? C.L.I.T.?

   My girlfriend said bringing toys into the bedroom would spice up our sex lives... So I double fisted her with a set of Hulk Hands.

   I say: Ron Jeremy for President..."You're gonna get screwed anyway, might as well get screwed by a pro.

   I bet all the other glues are really jealous of Super Glue.