Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts? Pac-Man: *deep breath*

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

   When people say we're in this together! I wonder if they'd mind if I sent them some of my bills until my stimulus check gets here?

   kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again

   Legally changing my name to How To Tie a Tie so it's nearly impossible for my employers to google me

   My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday

   You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

   2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

   This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home.

   Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

   No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

   Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Sh$t” and a one and a two

   Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

   I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

   How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

   I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.

   You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

   Trump gets criticized for wanting to boink his own daughter, but dam, I want to boink her too.

   2021 Reality Check: You're not actually expecting things to get any better at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, are you?

   B4 sliced Bread, what was the Greatest thing ?