Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey,,,You knew what you were getting into when you friended me...

   It's Friday and I have the directions to Margaritaville!!

   Being right isn't nearly as important as knowing when to shut the hell up.

   MC A of the Beastie Boys has died. I wont be able to sleep until the bury him in Brooklyn.

   Of course I'm sorry about your problem. Just like the other 1,536 of your friends that keep reading about it. Trust me... we're ALL sorry for reading it!

   I was counting sheep but those little b@stards started talking to me and now I REALLY can't sleep. Plus, I'm high.

   I don't understand fast food. I've been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower.

   I went shopping at Sam's Club and now I have enough toilet paper to last until 2027.

   I saw a sign in the store that said "pants up to 80% off" so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on. :(

   looks like God was look look lookin at his Gucci and decided it was about that time

   RIP MCA...my generation will be forever in debt for the way you fought for our right to party...

   Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.

   How bad must the rest of the sperm be if the one with Downs Syndrome wins the race?

   New tourism slogan: "Missouri Loves Company".

   Sort of embarrassing when the babysitter shows up, and I don't have kids, and then it's $300 an hour.

   Judge if you must but I always wanted an Easy Bake Oven as a kid and earlier this morning.

   udge if you must but I always wanted an Easy Bake Oven as a kid and earlier this morning.

   okay! if anyone wishes me "May the 4th be with you!" one more time. He's gonna get a kick up his wookie.

   R.I.P. Adam "MCA" Yauch...You finally got your License to ILL.

   Why do people think you'll remember somebody if they say the name twice? "You remember Dave?".. "Dave who?".. "Dave, Dave."