Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just put a childproof lock on my liquor cabinet. No, I don't have any kids... I just installed it to remind myself of what it can lead to.

   I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

   There's nothing wrong with my attitude. It's in full working order.

   The difference between politicians and prostitutes is, though they'll both take your money and f*ck you, prostitutes will actually give some satisfaction.

   That jackass who called me childish at work earlier is going to regret it. Just wait till I tell my dad.

   After being ignored by my GF for a full week, the only communication being a yes or a no, I've learnt a very valuable lesson about women. When they tell you they don't want anything for their birthday, they don't mean it.

   Technology is creating all kinds of new psychological problems. Losing a cell phone can put almost anyone into a panic attack, followed shortly by separation anxiety disorder.

   Be your own best friend. Everyone will be jealous.

   Sometimes people who joke around the most have the least to laugh about.

   Whoever put "good" and "morning" together deserves a good slap in the face.

   Remember before the internet when people ate food and didn't need to tell everyone about it?

   Women: the only problem I don't mind "wrestling" with.

   Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2012 was like.

   "You are so rude!" moaned my wife. "The whole time I was talking you were yawning!" "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something."

   Obama probably called Romney and said "I don't see how you can hate from outside the White House, you can't even get in.

   Black Parents: "When we get in this Restaurant you 8, OKAY?" Son: But mama I'm 12 . Mom: *SMACK* "Listen Here, Yo a$s is 8 you hear me?!"

   I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I'd like whipped cream on it.

   Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.

   Topless pictures of the Royal Family don't shock me as much as pictures of them doing manual labor would

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ I'm just ready for summer 2013.