Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Birthday to John Lennon who would have turned 72 today....Imagine!

   God I hate people who always bring God into everything.

   I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

   China just reported an earthquake... but it turns out it was just everyone cheering at once when Romney said he'd create 12 million jobs.

   "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" - Me pulling my spoiled unruly son out of the Apple Store

   some of you ladies think you're a hot mess but you're really just a mess...

   I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree.. <3

   The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat in a Port-A-Potty...is a warm one.

   wonders if he is actually attractive and girls are just afraid to talk to him?

   Your about as useful as decaffienated coffee.

   “Don't share your top secrets with anyone because if you yourself can't keep them, never expect that somebody else will.”

   Learning is way more than a test score...

   Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn't even listening to you.

   You can be an educated, intelligent, productive person and still smoke and enjoy pot.

   A man will simply break a woman's heart, but a woman will take a dump in a man's heart and walk away.

   The karma of messing with a good girl is the h?e you end up with. This goes to all the players who think they are God's gift to women. Newsflash, you're not!!

   Best thing ever is when you see your X-Girlfriend and she is now your XL-girlfriend.

   Holding my phone while in the tub is similar to holding a loved one over a cliff.

   The Internet is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshipping cats

   Stalking is such a negative word...I like to consider myself as a "distant admirer"