Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to love your updates. Then you pissed me off, and now your updates piss me off too.

   you look like one of those people who smoke pot but still look like they're going somewhere in life. I like that.

   I hope Walmart isn't out of winter white flipflops...

   I have tons of make up sex. That's where you make up stories about having sex right guys?

   I can't wait to get married, and yell "GET IN YOUR CAGE" to the woman I love.

   arnold schwarzenegger's new movie coming up and its called "Total snow-fall"

   When a girl doesn't invite me up to her place after a date I just assume it's because she's a hoarder with 30 kitty cats.

   People love you if you can take them out of their comfort zone, comfortably.

   I have no problem with cesarean scars because ultra tight v@gina.

   I think the real you is way more beautiful than that other you.

   It's really only a matter of time before Lady Gaga gets Justin Beiber pregnant.

   Maybe you're beautiful, or maybe he's horny.

   Since when is driving and break dancing a crime, officer? I thought it was common practice to do the Coindrop as you approach a toll booth.

   anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower??

   Women, give them an inch and they'll want all eight.

   Walmart employees suck at pairing wine coolers and cheese...

   turkey bacon is as worthless as soft core porn...

   What is the fascination with space jumper, Felix Baumgartner's balls?

   STOP BULLYING... or I'm gonna kick your ass! ツ

   I ask a friend why he left his girlfriend. He said "I'm gay, plus in the end is the way I like it."