Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do not have a drinking problem... people without arms have a drinking problem.

   There are hundreds of ways to make a woman happy and only one to make a man happy: LEAVE HIM ALONE.

   Dumping a whole can of kernel corn in toilet just to freak out the morning office staff....

   In dog beers I only had one.

   Why doesn't someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it's toasting.

   I'm going to take you to a place you've never been before! Brewhahaha

   Joe Biden reminds me of a drunk hobo ranting on a corner for a free beer.

   wants to attract a lot of guys this halloween so I'll be dressing up as a case of beer!! Burrrrrrp

   I really want to attract a lot of girls this halloween. So I'm dressing up as a Nutella jar

   Febreeze should make underwear.

   Just bought a Hyundai but it's sonota big deal.

   Aren't you glad you no longer have that “Call Me Maybe” song in your head? Oops. Sorry.

   I didn't text you, vodka did.

   Why are they called One Direction? Looks to me like they go both ways.

   My boss; Are you Tweeting? Me; No, I'm Tworking Boss; What? Me; Hello Tweeting while working Boss; That's not a real word Me; Twhatever

   Thirsty Thursday should be a national holiday!!

   So if I get the job at Walmart,,, do I pull my own teeth out,, or does it happen during orientation ?

   Everyone's like "I love Obama" or "I love Romney" and I'm just over here like "I love whiskey and beer"

   Quit blaming your parents for everything wrong in your life... Be grateful they saw you through your teeenage years and didn't kill you

   Dominos: “We spent 3 years perfecting our pan pizza dough.” Dude, its flour and water…