Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do I get my android to stop taking pictures of my crotch everytime I achieve arousal?

   You know you were drunk last night when you cooked pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

   wishes she had some nuts right now :)

   You know it was a good night when the hotel room looks like a crime scene the next morning.

   You seem insecure. Let's go out for drinks.

   With a great pair of legs comes great irresponsibility.

   Big Tex burns up at Texas State Fair.... you've got the be careful cooking up all of that fried food they have there....

   If by squirter you mean I pee when I laugh sometimes, then yeah I'm a squirter.

   If Obama really wanted to impress me... he'd somehow combine Missouri & Oregon to make a "Show me your beaver" state.

   NY Yankees salary.$195,998,004 Detroit Tigers salary. $119,276,000...... Saving $76,000,000 and still sweeping the Yankees....Priceless!!!

   Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today.

   Boss: what the hell is wrong with you? Me: one time I listened to a Bruno Mars song.

   I promise, I'm only gonna have 2 beers tonight.... 2 beers in dog beers

   It's normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.

   When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that? Now it would be for the prescriptions.

   “According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

   My p3nis is just like an Elephants Trunk.... It's not big... I can just pick peanuts up with it

   "It's impossible." said pride. "It's risky." said experience. "It's pointless." said reason. "Give it a try." whispered the heart........ "WHAT DA HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!" shouted the anus two minutes later.

   I'll admit. Asians are so bad at driving I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

   You had me at "I bet I can fit that whole thing in my mouth."