Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate's face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger... at least one of them anyway.

   Before you judge Mitt Romney, try walking a mile in his backyard.

   ♫ I'm tasty and I know it! Sizzle sizzle sizzle sizzle!♫ - Bacon.

   Guys, if she kicks your a$$ at pool and darts, she's probably not the marrying kind...

   I bought some of that new emo lawn seed the other day... Yeah, It was a little more expensive,,, but the grass cuts itself.

   Did you know that every 60 seconds,,, Somewhere in Africa,,,, a minute passes.

   I farted So loud,,, it scared the dog out of the room and I raised my hands in triumph and shouted,,, "There can be only one!"

   Ladies, why spend hundreds on make-up, sexy clothes, & perfume looking for Mr. Perfect when you can just eat a banana at the grocery store?

   Don't just love me, be in love with me & show me true happiness; after all, we've got to make it worth the forthcoming heartbreak.

   You won't be able to talk after I give you multiple sarcasms.

   Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.

   It's too bad your delusions of grandeur are superseded by your ability to self sabotage.

   I'd count on you only if I ran out of fingers.

   A real superpower is smiling during your hardest times.

   I don't care how I die just as long as it's my fault.

   I'm really good at hide and seek. Hide my ex's dead body and seek a new girlfriend.

   I'll call you ‘mate' because saying your name would be a little bit gay - British men

   I went on Twitter this week. Don't worry, they are not getting any sex there either.

   I bet Nicolas Cage smells like birds.