Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net a years supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   A girl picking up the phone in the middle of sex is a free pass to get weird.

   I may forgive, but rarely forget. Ok, sometimes the details get hazy but otherwise I'm like a skinny elephant with some serious suspicions.

   If you attack me you better kill me......because I've never been in a fight and will probably sue.

   Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multi tasker.

   Co-worker keeps asking me what's wrong so I told her I'm irritated because some idiot won't quit asking me what's wrong.

   At the end of each day I ask myself, "Where's my damn Oscar for that?"

   The way I bend the rules should qualify as yoga.

   I consider myself a hopeless romantic because I only fall in love with women who are out of my league.

   I really miss childhood. You know, sometimes I pee on my bed just to remember what it's like.

   I heard Amish black dudes have the biggest beards.

   I have a really sexy body and you can have your way with it if you help me bury it afterwards.

   finally as many Tour De France titles has Lance Armstrong!

   The two greatest feelings in the world are the birth of a child and peace of mind of not having any kids.

   I think one of my socks is pregnant :/

   Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead, and then I remember I'm thinking about you.

   I can bench press three times my body weight in dead hooker.

   Turn the time release off on my morphine drip so I know your love is real.

   I've never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.... :D

   If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires s*ck co*k? Oh wait, Twilight.