Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   decided...husbands are a lot like jack o' lanterns!! Perfect once you cut their heads open and scoop out all the crap!! Happy Halloween :)

   Maybe if I looked like Tobey Maguire people would feel sorry for me....

   I'm more confused than Ricky Martin's kids on mother's day.

   I call my bedroom 'the place where the magic happens' because it's where I make my self-respect disappear.

   My daddy issues are now old enough to vote.

   Damn you're hot, but I've met fuzzy toilet seat covers more interesting than you.

   Call a Random Phone Number and say "They didn't make the drop Kill him" them hang up. Project Mayhem.

   Sure fire way to really annoy a woman - tell her she is being too dramatic and overreacting. .

   Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?

   My ex-step mom was so lazy I bought a black Snuggie for funerals.

   There should be a store for women in their 40's who try to dress like their children called Forever Inappropriate.

   I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.

   I now have the same number of Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong.

   u guys should be able to charge $ for making the rest of us who copy ur posts look funny. but dont charge me, it was my idea.

   Of all my girlfriends' family, Aunt Flow is both my favorite and least favorite visitor…

   Solving crimes was a lot easier 30 years ago. All you had to do was ask Huggy Bear who did it…

   Ladies, it's common courtesy to let a guy know you're on your period before replying 'yes' to that "Lets chill" text.

   Pet peeve: Toilets that flush for me the moment I stand up. I'd like to see the work I've done before it is instantly taken away from me.

   Instead of 3 debates, the presidential candidates should be on Jeopardy, Are you smarter than a 3rd grader, and American Gladiators to determine who gets my vote.

   Alcohol does kill brain cells. As a kid I could name all the dinosaurs. Now I can name maybe three, and I'm not even sure armadillos count.