Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't wait until march 9th when we all turn our clocks forward and gain a extra hour of sunlight! And in other news I just want to be a social network influencer.

   Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that was just a concidence.

   My ex's smile is like an email from grandma: all caps.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.

   Big ass booty

   Q. What are the two most frequented words the groom will say after he says "I do?" A. "Yes, dear."

   Q. What individual did the biggest favor ever for two people? A. The one who stood up when the minister said, 'Speak now, or forever hold your peace.'

   How do you sleep at night knowing people don’t like u” Me: with the fan on high

   The waitress at Bob Evans asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.

   I have a small request. Would you IiberaIs go f yourselves? Thanks.

   If Taylor Swift wasn't musically successful, at best, she'd be a weekend weather forecaster on a local news station.

   Relaxing, Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything...

   Pizza is like sex, it's always good even if it's bad.

   August is almost over. Tomorrow is September 1st. Time to pick out a Halloween costume and start your Christmas shopping. Happy New Year, everybody.

   Dear Transgender people, Don't you dare tell me I have to accept you for who you are when you couldn't even accept you for who you were.

   Travis Kelce is going to have to sign a prenup that is longer than any book he's ever read!!

   Don't know why I'm so surprised Taylor swift got engaged with Travis Kelsy? Like I've been expecting her to call me any day now to tell me your the one I want!

   Two slices of bread got married... The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom

   Jesus kidnapped my girlfriend's brain.

   The sprite from McDonald’s could probably fry some chicken