Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Christmas Schmistmas....March features the greatest holiday of the year. Any festivity that centers itself around getting drunk on beer, and stuffed on a big hunk of beef soaked in brine wins my vote.

   Did you know the salt in the ocean is from all the misunderstood sharks, crying, because they just want to cuddle!

   I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.

   Friend: Why use Google when you can ask Jesus anything? Me: Not gonna ask Jesus where to find midget por n.

   Everyone comes with baggage...Find someone who is carrying Gucci baggage.

   I molested myself last night. I said no but I knew I wanted it.

   Paula Deen's signature dish: "Butter Sauteed in Butter Topped with a Buttery Melted Butter Glaze with a side of Butter Sticks dipped in Butter."

   Um...Food Network? Um, could you have a program that shows folks how to make fried chicken, meat loaf, mashed potatoes and things like that? Some of us don't like Duck's A$$ in Radicchio and Lobster Nutsack Glaze.

   Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn't on purpose!

   Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

   Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?

   Someone please tell Facebook that all relationships are complicated.

   I'll judge your whiteness based on your reaction when Jump Around comes on.

   It’s always difficult to maintain that air of manliness when it comes to the ‘sucking her nipples' part

   “ea” 69 for midgets?

   The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting final notices and threatening calls from debt collectors.

   Sex with my girlfriend is like the fast and furious I'm fast and she is furious.

   I just lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that

   RIP: Bonnie Franklin. Muddle up to heaven one cloud at a time.

   you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!