Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're fearful about the government spying on you while you're online, hang out on Myspace. Nobody is going to spy on you there.

   happy fathers day to all the ones who came home with the gallon of milk

   Fathers day, the most confusing day in the ghetto...

   Dear Dad. Thanks for not pulling out. Happy Father's Day!

   I bought a book entitled "How to Have a Good Personality." It's a gift for my ex.

   They call me The Beer Whisperer.

   There's not much creepier than an old man with an earring.

   I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can double park anywhere.

   Being born gaa why is the dumbest statement. You barely know how to walk but you already figured out your sex ual preference??? Fohhhhh

   I polled 100 women on what their favourite shampoo was. The response was all the same..."How did you get into my bathroom?!??!?"

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to his wife or girlfriend. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   "Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook!

   My Dad said if I get 1000 likes, my dog will come back to life!

   Single people have 6 priorities: 1) Convince yourself you're happy. 2) Convince your girl or boyfriend you're happy. 3) Convince friends you're happy. 4) Convince workmates you’re happy 5) Convince relatives you’re happy 6) Convince neighbors you’re

   I always make sure the music is loud when I'm having sex so I don't get to hear her say ''THAT'S NOT 9 INCHES!!!''

   Make her feel like she's the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

   Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

   Are you a man who feels confident about his opinions? Has a high self-esteem? Well I think it's time to get you a woman.

   I like to add tension to a conference call with a surprise toilet flush.

   I'm bored. Maybe I should leave the house and check Facebook from somewhere else.