Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In hell, for your birthday, they give you socks in a PS4 box.

   I can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them...

   Why are 3 of the 4 judges on America's Got Talent foreigners??

   Lets change the name of Americas Got Talent to America Will Watch Anything.

   Obama has gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Can you believe there's no change

   Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.

   You're not stupid, You're just an exceptionally gifted monkey.

   You should send every tweet like its your last...and the rest of us will pray that it is.

   I'm tired of the government reading all of my statuses but never liking any of them

   My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.

   The first rule of plagiarism club looks familiar

   apparently this dude Miller was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad dude my bad.

   Vibrating tampons could cure the world of PMS.

   I broke a light bulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles..... Fly is dead.

   these screwdrivers taste a lot better since I ran out of OJ!

   My phone display is brighter than my future.

   I'm tired of the government reading all of my stats but never liking any of them </3

   My woman could never work at a fast food place. They make milkshakes there, and milkshakes bring the boys to the yard.

   Happy Birthday Sasha Obama! For her birthday, her daddy gave her Justin Bieber's phone records.

   The monsters under my bed are afraid of MY dark.