Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't rubbed one out in a week. Anyone have a bucket I can borrow??

   My husband gets so confused when I say yes to sex, you'd think I changed the location of his food bowl.

   Our inner demons would get along wonderfully.

   Love with no expectations in return and you will know how to love yourself more than anyone could in this screwed up world.

   Kanye West's album Yeesuz sold 327,000 copies in its first week. I Recorded my dog barking at the mailman and 1st week sales were 400,000 copies. Take that Kanye!!!

   Aaron Hernandez is going to jail as a Tight End and will leave jail as a Wide Receiver

   Well... with the SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage... I think its safe to say that a Bieber / Cyrus wedding is inevitable.

   Got caught pissing in the swimming pool yesterday at the local YMCA. The lifeguard shouted so loud that I nearly fell in.

   BREAKING NEWS: The Cinncinatti Bengals have announced that they have entered into negotiations with the New England Patriots to trade for Aaron Hernandez..

   Well, New England Patriot, Aaron Hernandez, was thrown into jail this morning. Looks like he's going from a tight end position to a wide receiver.

   I'm old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

   What's the word for when someone realize that they love you after it's too late? Oh yeah, "get lost loser".

   You're not superstitious; you're super-stupid!

   Wooing a girl is just where you keep shouting WOO! in their face, right?

   You only get eight or nine chances with me. That's it.

   Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?

   Why does the girl in the Wendy's commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?

   Do you ever go on Youtube just to watch a music video and then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?

   Hey Jasper, creative genius from the Snapple half and half commercial... I'm pretty sure Arnold Palmer was slightly ahead of your "discovery"

   I do 50 sit-ups between each glass of wine so don't question my commitment to exercise.