Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taking relationship advice from people on Facebook is like asking a blind person for directions. If these people had perfect relationships, they wouldn’t even be on Facebook half the time.

   A man was arrested having weed growing in his backyard today. He claims the evidence was planted.

   I got 66 problems coz my life is upside down!

   Someone disappointing you just allows you to free up space in your heart for others who won't.

   I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.

   Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.

   The worst feeling in the world is being in love with somebody that knows how to untie rope and run away while you're napping.

   For a change I'd like to meet someone who could be my potential soulmate and who is not halfway across the world.

   Pool party at my house, Bring your own pools.

   why arent orphans good at baseball? They don't know where home is.

   Beer is good. Beers are better.

   if my girl cheat on me she better cheat with 6 strong guys that can carry her casket

   imagine Alicia Keys complaining in the grocery store, " THIS MILK IS EXPIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRREEEEEEDD"

   Just because shes your girlfriend doesn't mean she isn't someone else's ho.

   The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. Just great. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.

   Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will be starring on everyone's TV sets very soon

   Only people who buy Corvettes are 40 year olds fearing mid life and his wifes social disabilities. Buy a real car.

   Sharknado enough said!

   Yo Zimmerman, I'm really happy for you and, I'ma let you finish, but OJ had one of the best racial trials of all time!

   JAB. If the human race had no choice as to what color a child is at birth, prejudice wouldn't exist. . .