Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ask someone if they will watch your bike for you and dont leave. Just stand there and watch your bike with your new friend

   Apparently going to coffee with your friends and coming back drunk is frown upon by management .

   Thank you for the feelings, but I must politely decline.

   Misery loves company. And bars, and drinking, and drugs, and barely consensual rough sex with strangers. Misery has all the fun.

   You'd think the liquor store cashier could at least PRETEND not to recognize me.

   I'm a man. I've loved beautiful women. I've beaten other men in fist fights. But when my mama says she's proud of me, I'm 5 years old again.

   A certain "je ne sais quoi" is a terrible thing to have in a French hospital.

   I just saw a guy with a hook hand and a ponytail. Dude, you cut off the wrong thing.

   Getting some always leads to wanting more.

   Remember when the only hatred that existed here was directed at Nickelback? Good times.

   I'm glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."

   If a girl from Iceland. .an a guy from cuba have a baby ...is it an ice-cube.... lol.. ;)

   Our society views heroine and alcohol overdose as a tragic accident, I call that suicide accomplished...

   I've decided to quit drinking! Instead I'm peeling the labels off my beer sticking them to my forehead and telling everyone I'm on the patch

   Most atheists aren't angry about the various religions. They're angry about the dangerous people who misinterpret these religions.

   do jaffa cakes count as 1 of your 5 a day?

   In this worldline, the lanisters are all dead. The current state of the economy proves it, no one is paying their debts.

   I bet all the living descendants of the Lanisters have great credit!

   The Lannisters send their regards.

   When you wake up at 3am for no reason, there is an 80% chance that someone is staring at you...