Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a fine wine between being good and being naughty.

   Growing up into an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life.

   I am totally convinced that my place of employment is just a fancy name for Purgatory

   I'm going to start a non-profit organization to promote the legalization of weed. It will be called the March of Dimebags.

   At the rate brothers are marrying white girls, the sisters will be extinct in about 50 years...

   Women complain that they should be treated more equally. OK fine. Next time a ship sinks in the ocean, you ladies don't get to get off first.

   yeah I was a vegetarian once before......for like 5 hours...til my next meal...

   We're up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn't they just create a weekly TV series?

   You can lead a horse to water and you can lead a horse into water and you can swim around with a horse and have fun

   I don't know much about fashion,, So can I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

   Even though Her family owned a multimillion dollar cheese company.......... She was a dairy heir.

   I've currently got the higest eBay bid on Detroit.

   I hate when I ask the person beside me to pass me some toilet paper & they start begging the flight attendant to let them switch seats.

   I have a stalker. She keeps showing up at my house unannounced. She's been doing this ever since we got married.

   I don’t always correct someone’s spelling, but when I do, I google it first so I don’t make an ass out of myself.

   you can run from your problems, unless your problem is a cheetah

   I hate arrogant people. It's like they think they're better than everyone. No one is better than me.

   90% of my life is regrettably trying to get out of conversations I got myself into.

   Smile, it makes your butt look smaller.

   I like the sound you make when you shut up