Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm running out of ways to not hit people.

   You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it 'guy who’s getting laid.’

   Whenever I see a beautiful woman with a fat ugly guy I think: ''maybe he owns a panda.''

   Stay in that position I just got a Facebook Notification.

   At church today we were asked to raise your hand if your a sinner! Girl raised both hands. I went to sit next to her.

   Fellas; Not all women are interested in your money. Some of them only want your souls.

   Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another cat.

   Just because you made her wet doesn’t mean the job is over, get your head back down there rookie.

   Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 10 minutes?

   Oh you find it offensive? I find it funny... that's why I'm happier than you douchebag.

   I am sorry, I can't be a part of this diabolical act. Just kidding. I'll get the shovel.

   Kanye West would be folding sweaters at the Gap right now if Tupac and Biggie were still around.

   I never win an argument with my wife, I survive them.

   It's our 6 year anniversary today. I bought her flowers, a cake and went out for dinner at her favorite restaurant. But the evening was ruined when we ran into my wife!

   Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.

   Ladies; If your boyfriend is shorter than 5'5 he's not your man, he is your minion.

   If the makers of Peeps would make marshmallow yoga mats I would totally do yoga or sit at home and eat mat all day.

   If two people are happy together... you leave them the fu&k alone.

   If America was a car, our "Check President" warning light would be on!!

   Her blackened teeth, facial hair and deplorable homemade titty tattoos reminded me once again of why our nation is the greatest in the world.