Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The difference between fiction novels and the Bible, is that the authors of fiction novels acknowledge it's fiction.

   Cigarette warning: Governments are bad for your health...

   Hate your job? No problem! There's a support group for that... at the bar!

   Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

   My good status messages are in my other pants.

   Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

   Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

   Designers have invented a new bra for middle-aged women. They've called it "the Sheepdog", as it rounds em up and points them in the right direction

   I think Presidential elections should be quick.... not wait until November.... If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor.

   Instead of Build Back Better, how about you just Put it Back the Way You Found it.

   2020 ~ 2022 Written by Stephen King, Directed by Quinten Tarantino, Soundtrack by Yoko Ono.

   You are the carbon they want to reduce.

   “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” ~ Henry Ford

   People should have to pass a sense of humor test before they’re allowed on social media.

   Inadvertently just signed off a work email, “should you have any questions, please don’t. Hesitate to ask.” I’m sticking with it.

   Tapping our oil reserves instead of drilling is as dumb as tapping your 401k instead of going to work.

   Whoever said, “you can’t make this stuff up”; obviously never worked for corporate media.

   Just when you feel like humanity is finally waking up, the last two psyops proved 99% are still asleep.

   Lost my job as a Walmart greeter yesterday. According to company policy, I can tell people, 'Welcome to Walmart', but I'm not allowed to add 'And that's not just the booze talking, either!'

   I just watched a guy at Walmart rip off a whole case of Red Bull. I don't know how he can sleep at night.