Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People that are happy, keep that sh*t between you and your drug dealer, no one else cares

   Once upon a time, I used to care what people said about me.

   I'm so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.

   Hey girl, are you Pepsi? Because you're always my second option.

   No, of course I don't find it weird you brought your cat as a date

   I wore matching bra n panties for this?

   If you decide to walk a mile in my shoes, it will likely just be a mile of circles looking for the remote.

   I'm not an a$$hole, I just play one around stupid people.

   I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I'm going to answer it is your second mistake.

   Maybe if you really love them you won't put them to the ultimate test of seeing just how much of your bullsh*t they can actually put up with

   Don't be that guy who all the women keep running away from on the dance floor.

   Fish are always making that “I want to suck a d*ck” face.

   I would beat the sh*t out of the kid who plays Joffrey in Game of thrones. I don’t care if it’s just acting.

   Loving someone who doesn’t love you back isn’t as bad as trying to eat something immediately after brushing your teeth.

   The government shut down? And no one even noticed...

   If the US government shutdown affected alcohol or internet porn they’d have it fixed by tomorrow morning...

   Why can't we just let the government employees go back to work and furlough Congress?

   Jerry jones was seen giving Tony Romo the heinlick maneuver in the lock room after the game Sunday

   Let's declare the U.S.-Mexico border a National Park. That way, it will be closed.

   Posting pictures of a huge supply of hard liquor isn't going to impress anyone but your toxicologist.