Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I dropped it, but I only hold pretty babies.

   Sometimes, you can just tell it's gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.

   A CUTE GIRL SMILED AT ME AT THE GROCERY STORE I GOT HER LICENCE PLATE NUMBER I'LL LOOK IT UP LATER AND CALL HER

   If the grass appears to be greener on the other side it's probably because that's where the septic tank is.

   I think it's time I find the right one to settle down with. By right one I mean a bottle of whiskey and by settle down with I mean drunk.

   gonna try out a new yoga position alone in my bed tonight it's called the bermuda cryangle

   When I have to choose between " the lesser of two evils"...I want both of them

   I've finally found Jesus. My turn to hide.

   My coffee mug can hold it's liquor better than yours.

   You call the shots. I'll drink them.

   I don't just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.

   Breastfed men are better lovers, everyone knows that.

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the reasons I have trust issues.

   hard to believe that gangnam style was the top song this time last year

   Based on what politicians say it appears they care more about my future than I do.

   My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.

   "Hey Baby, My Magic watch says you don't have any underwear on" "Oh, You do?" "It must be 15 Minutes fast ' :)

   Dear Curiousity: Just please put down the gun and let's talk this out. -The Cat

   I try to live each day like it's my last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry b/c hey, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their lives??

   You're not a true drama queen until people start making popcorn when they see you walking down the street.