Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: no one will notice your holiday weight gain if you carry a pie everywhere

   People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders

   I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face but with words.

   When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I stayed on the couch with my snacks getting fatter

   Hot older men in your area want to know if you've been playing with the thermostat.

   If smoking weed causes short term memory loss then what does smoking weed do?

   For the ladies still waiting for their prince on a white horse, don't give up! With the recent rises in fuel, it can happen any second now!

   The Joker is safely behind bars. The batmobile's wheels are operational. Robin is a human male, incapable of laying an egg. And I bathe every day!

   I love waving at random people because you know the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the heck you were!

   When I was a kid we didn't have Facebook. We had a drunk uncle.

   Ok, I'm ready for rich people problems. I've mastered broke people problems, so I'd like to move to the next level please.

   Whoever lost the iPhone 17 in front of Walmart this morning, STOP CALLING MY NEW PHONE !!!

   Strangely the guy who invented the Ferris wheel and the guy who invented the Merry Go Round never met. Apparently they traveled in different circles.

   Thanks to the people that walked into my life and made it better. And thanks to the ones who walked out and made it amazing.

   If a liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that. What are they?"

   Happy Thanksgiving ya turkeys!

   Technically, your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.

   A dolphin is just a fish with a better PR team.

   The ocean is technically soup and now my brain hurts.