Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cheer up! Someone somewhere is thinking about me naked.

   Rectal Grease complained to HR and now we’re not allowed to use nicknames at work anymore.

   Why do we change positions when it’s the same hole? I don’t understand golf at all.

   I've ordered and returned the same boomerang on Amazon for over a year now.

   I have an open door policy at our house. You bring beer and I'll open the door.

   I bought a vinyl record yesterday called "Sounds Wasps make". When I got home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn't sound anything like wasps." Then I realised, I was playing the bee side.

   The Lone Ranger was camping with his sidekick when a windstorm blew their tent away. The Lone Ranger said, “Tonto, I have a feeling we’re not in canvas anymore.

   Buggs Bunny and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Buggs asks Elmer, “Is this whiskey?” Elmer replies, “Not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!”

   I bought a vintage Cadillac and developed a nasty cough. It was a Croup de Ville

   What train system connects Oyster Bay to Mussel Beach? Clamtrak.

   I think I'm the only person left that doesn’t vape or own a pair of crocs..

   Damn, I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   Some people say I'm missing a few screws. Truth is I lost the whole toolbox.

   70 % of the World is water, none of it carbonated, therefore the Earth is flat.

   I miss the days when Иiggers knew their place.

   Listen, baby, I can deal with the herpes, the gluten intolerance, and the irritable bowel syndrome. But I will not date someone who listens to music through their phone's speaker.

   my emotional support animal is a chicken. Four piece with a biscuit.

   My neighbor lady has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face..

   But... Crazy people have more fun.

   did not wake up this morning. I came to.