Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just farted at work and maintenance was called to my area to look for a sewer leak.

   Not today Satan !! ... Wait.......what kind of cookies did you say?

   So ripping off taxpayers of billions is ok, but Menards rebate is bad?

   Santa, no matter what my wife says, I have been very good this year.

   The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."

   Fact of life: The older you get, the more risky a sneeze becomes.

   Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”

   Everyone keeps saying John Cena tapped out. How do they know? You can’t see him!

   Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb", I need one that says, "Already disturbed. Proceed with caution".

   Had to go outside and think its so cold out here my hands are starting to free