Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend Tony says he does not want me saying his name backwards. I said why Not?

   My therapist said I should get an emotional support animal. So I got myself a chicken. It was deep fried and came with a milkshake.

   My wife asked what my plan was. I said, “Let’s not ruin this with details.”

   Marriage tip: When you go to borrow your husband's tools, don't put them back. You don't know where they belong. Have your husband take care of it. That way he can show some responsibility and make sure that his things are where he wants them to be.

   I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high-speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a donut truck on the news.

   We're out shopping for new dishwashers because my wife says ours is broken. I'm still not sure why we're here and not at the hospital though.

   I am funny in the dark

   Dating your ex again is like buy your clothes back from GoodWill... There's a reason you got rid of it in the first place.

   Now that everyone has a phone with a camera on them 24 hours a day, where have all the UFOs gone?

   The beard is the male version of a push up bra. Use it to your advantage...