Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand how I feel like crap and am sick all the time when I drink 8 glasses of water a year like they tell us to .

   Foot fetish screw them feet!!!

   Anybody ever find out what the knights in white sat in ?

   Think about this: The most fun part of golf is when it's your turn to hit the ball. So why is it that the more turns you get the less fun you have?

   I'm not sure what Rage Against the Machine is a raging at, but it is probably a printer.

   Hello 911 a straight man is encouraging me to be my best self instead of bringing out the worst in me and idk what to do, send help.

   Why do gender reveal parties only surprise you with blue or pink? I've never seen anyone reveal the whole rainbow. Aren't people supposedly "born this way" ?

   Pee-Wee Herman died. In lieu of flowers, buy a ticket to the adult movie theater

   One minute you are young and the next minute you are predicting the weather with your bad knee.

   I'm amazed at how some people tend to overthink things without actually being in possession of a brain.

   Sports Goal celebrations: Basketball: so common it’s boring. Baseball: HR gets you a high-5 Football: endzone tik tok dance so teeny bopper GF can post it Soccer: run, scream, slide, tear shirt off

   I went to see Oppenheimer, but the line was really long and I was getting a little hungry, so I went to the Barbie queue.

   Knowledge is knowing that hot peppers are a fruit; wisdom is putting them in a fruit salad.

   We went and saw "Oppenheimer" Saturday night and when we left we heard a teenager say,"I liked Batman better!"? WTF did he expect?

   They outta line wit these school supply list. Why my son gotta bring 4 new tires?

   At Dairy Queen: Me: Medium Oreo Blizzard please. DQ: You wanna spoon? Me: Sure, when do you get off?

   As the weekend approaches remember this, " A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure. ”

   A phone booth was perhaps not the best option for Clark Kent to change into Superman. He always emerged with his underwear on the outside of his outfit.

   Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

   Someone said: "what night is the dnc swimsuit comp?" I concur. Would love to see AOC in a swimsuit and ball gag. 🤣