Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I learned you can use disposable masks to brew Espresso. That’s because they’re Coughy filters.

   It takes skill to trip over cordless phones!

   I may not know much, but I know mayo doesn't go on a taco.

   Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

   hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

   How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear . . . 🫢

   After hitting that pothole I can see Spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

   I bought a lamp made from Citrus fruit, but I refuse to use it. I’m trying to avoid the Limelight.

   Remember making up fake rules when there is a substitute teacher?

   ME AT THE GYM : WHERE ARE THE STEPPING MACHINES ? GYM RAT : UPSTAIRS BRO ME: TAKES ELEVATOR

   Today I took a long honest look in the mirror and I did not like what I saw. (No I'm not feeling guilty about anything, I just look like crap.)

   Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

   The Trisha Yearwood hit song , She's in love with the boy has been renamed He, she , it , they is in love with the He, she , it , they.

   Not sure why Jesus hadn't figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

   I don't know what to make for my dinner. In the refrigerator I have two all-beef patties and some special sauce, but I can't think of any other ingredients that I should add to these.

   Jesus final words on Good Friday " Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday."

   I am exceptionally proficient with profanity. Some say It’s a gift….I say it’s a curse. Lol

   Today isn't just for the kids..... it's also an egg hunt for the adults that are procrastinators

   Beedo Boop Bop Beeda Beep Boop Lop Bleeda Bee eezz ... you've got mail !!

   I'm not saying I'm fat but, my favorite machine at the gym is of the vending variety.