Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a new stick of deodorant last night. The instructions said to remove the cap and push up bottom. I may be walking funny now, but my farts make the room smell baby powder fresh.

   well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

   Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

   I can’t sleep and just wanna eat all night. I think I have insom-nom-nom-nomnia.

   i like butts

   FRIEND: Why do you spend so much time on Facebook? ME: I have serious digestive issues. I spend a lot of time on the toilet.

   Rent prices have got people staying in relationships that ended years ago

   When the mechanic said I 'blew a seal', I was afraid he referring about that summer I worked at Sea World but it turns out it's some car thing. 🤭

   So I got an special announcement to share with you all. I am running for president!!! Like we can't screw up this country enough. #gary2024

   I used to grow weed on Farmville and sell it on Mafia Wars. Good Times!

   Ran into a guy at a bar who said he was a huge rock star back in the '80s I didn't believe but he was adamant.

   I can’t believe it’s already bank collapse season… I still have my train derailment decorations up.

   Who is the genius who decided to call them Dentures and not Substitooths?

   Hears an idea, Instead of phasing out fossil fuels, let's phase out the fossils in Congress.

   The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

   I don’t trust banks anymore. I’m taking all my money out. I can’t trust them with all $23.56.

   So I was in the pool and a woman walked by and said, "I see you like playing with things that are round and buoyant." I said, "Not necessarily, I couldn't find a float." She said, "I was talking to the beach ball."

   Did you know? Every letter “C” in the words “Pacific Ocean” is pronounced differently.

   Transgender children are like vegetarian cats. You know darn well it's the adult who's making the decision.

   Every day is St. Patrick's Day when you're a drunk who likes to pinch people.