Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

   Chocolate is a vegetable due to these reasons. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is processed from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables.

   You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.

   I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service. ‬

   My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog

   With the way 2023 has been going I couldn't decide if wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.

   Now that "Cocaine Bear" has been a hit and they are working on "Meth Alligator." I can't wait for the next installment, "Marijuana Sloth." A 7 hour slow-paced movie about a vicious Bradypus with the munchies for murder.

   ell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans. Live a little.. Life is too short!

   This would look ALOT better in the toilet” -toddlers

   I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say, “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

   Oh, you want a free college education? Please tell me how serious you took your free high school education.

   I set my phone to airplane mode. It just now tried to charge me 20 bucks for a bag of peanuts and a Sprite.

   I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for the “after” photos.

   Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

   If you enter into a relationship and discover she has 5 kids and a Yorkshire Terrier, give it up. There's no way you'll ever win out over the Yorkie.

   There are so many candles on my birthday cake, the Girl Scouts are gonna show up, form a circle around it, and sing Kum Ba Yah.

   I'm currently in the process of getting my groove back. Please standby!

   Quelqu'un pourrait-il me diriger vers un site Web amusant de messages d'état ?

   Alguém poderia me direcionar para um site engraçado de mensagem de status?

   Podría alguien dirigirme a un sitio web divertido de mensajes de estado?