Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lady: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making? Auto Technician: We simply removed your Taylor Swift CD and replaced it with Van Halen. 😎

   Most of being an adult is whispering “f*ck this” while doing it anyway. 😏

   Stop trying to please people who don’t like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they’ve ever met. 😊

   Every few years, you reevaluate your concept of old. 😉

   The only way I can catch errors in my messages, is to read them from my sent folder. 😏

   There is no cloud, it’s just someone else’s computer. 😐

   Not now, Sweetie. Mommy’s busy cyberbullying the mayor. 😁

   Just watched someone who bought a dozen eggs without even checking them first. Talk about an unhinged wealth flex. 🙄

   Not my proudest fap, but here we are. 😏

   When I was a kid, bedtime was 9:00. I couldn't wait to grow up so I could go to bed any time I wanted. That turned out to be about 9:00.

   ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

   I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

   I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

   If I ran a swamp tour in DC there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

   My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

   Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

   I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

   I'll be baby sitting this Valentine's Day $150 per kid. (inbox me)

   Question, Can Happiness buy money?

   My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said “Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me. So I put shampoo in her eyes.