Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The "Inflation Reduction Act" is about to turn the Recession into a Depression, but at least the Prozac will be cheaper.

   I love Trump so much, I'm willing to make up anything in order to make Joe Biden look bad. Come back Trump, I can't live without you!!!

   At my funeral, I want a group of Italian guys to walk up to my casket and say "We're gonna miss ya boss" so my family thinks I had something going on.

   Everything I know about the Kardashians I learned against my will.

   I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

   For $250 an hour I will pose as a marriage counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everythng.

   Once again I will Watching football this season the same way Colin Kaepernick does... sitting on my couch

   Still trying to figure out what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

   accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for 4 hours but everything makes me look fat. And I think I forgot to unplug the curling iron.

   Just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

   CNN, CBS, ABC, MSNBC. Not a fan of any news outlets. That's why I get all my information from one channel, The Cartoon Network

   Without Trump in the White House, I don't think I'll have the will to live.

   Couldn't you have told me that my password was incorrect BEFORE you made me select all the pictures that have motorcycles?

   Are we sure Queen Elizabeth's death was "natural causes" and not Reggie Jackson finishing what he started?

   I just saw a commercial that said, "Spend less time cleaning your toilet and have more time for the things you love to do." ... Yeah, like because I spend so much time cleaning my toilet that by the time I'm finished the whole day is over.

   Damn. Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie. Should I tell him now or let him learn?

   The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

   If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

   Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.