Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

   For some reason, the press seems more concerned with "BIack Man Killed By Police", than "Police KiIIed By BIack Man."

   Facebook reels are mostly chunky broads stuffed into clothes like a sausage.

   Do actual ladies exist anymore, or is it all just washed up man Ioathing bar sIut bimbos flipping the bird in their profile pics?

   Summer is not officially over, so settle down you pumpkin spice perverts!

   It's taken 66 years for me to realize two things: Pizza and steak are overrated.

   I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

   A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, No, first a Gibson, then a Fender

   How many coworkers have to ask you "what's that pee smell" before you have to admit you're wearing a new cologne?

   Have you seen my thumb ring?" ~ my proctologist

   Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.

   If you think you're having a bad day, just remember, someone is gonna have Snooki as their mom.

   If the employee parking lot is full, you should get to go back home.

   My girl said someone is trying to get into the house, should I call 911 ? I said no call 811. Why? Cause you always call miss Dig before digging a hole!

   Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

   Soft tacos are just tiny burritos with a sun roof.

   I told my wife she has to embrace her mistakes. So she hugged me.

   My wife asked me the other day if I had seen the dog bowl. I replied, I didn’t know he did that.

   If you're ever wondering who your real Facebook friends are. Delete your account and see who calls....

   Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!