Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

   Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

   The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

   In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

   If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough… The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

   This doctor is claiming he's the best surgeon of all time. He said, a few years back I was able to jam this guy's brains all back in his head after an accident, and look... Now he's president

   The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.

   Forest Whitaker's left eye has more self-control than I do.

   I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

   I eat wheat even though I am allergic to it. You might say I'm a gluten for punishment.

   It's crazy how people get up at 5 am to workout. I don't even get up at 5 am to pee, I just stay there and suffer...

   I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

   what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

   due to unforeseen circumstances I just quit my job as a psychic

   Most women need a little reassurance. Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

   If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

   Spent the entire night trying to create a website for women drivers, but it kept crashing..

   My neightbor accross the hall fed his pet snake a viagra now it's a walkin stick

   My doctor says I only have one diabete.

   I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary