Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My parents were very inspirational, they used to say: “You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

   The 5 O'clock news. AKA let's see what the ηiqqers did now.

   Well…. It’s “we finally got Donald Trump day” again.

   If we have zero percent inflation, why do we need an Inflation Reduction Act?

   I prefer 11,000 Keystone XL pipeline workers over 87,000 new IRS agents.

   A penny found is worth more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.

   People that get, “the most votes in history” don’t raid their opponent’s homes. But election stealers do.

   The only adult knowledge that a third grader needs to know, is that girls/boys have cooties.

   They got that $1,200. $600. And $1,400. Back in gas, food and rent.

   It’s gonna be hilarious when the people who thought that Biden was going to forgive their student loans realize that he gave them a tax increase instead.

   If you happen to see an FBI agent wearing one of Melania’s dresses, post a photo of him.

   When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants, that way it’s illegal to dig it up. Follow me for more gardening tips.

   Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

   My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

   Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

   Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor? Everyone…

   Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication Me: Why am I not surprised Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

   A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

   My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.

   Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up making love. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.