Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My heart goes out to families of those who lost their lives at the Travis Scott concert. It must be terrible to find out that your kids were into rap music.

   If there's someone to blame all your failures on, it might as well be Big Bird.

   Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir? Me: ok, but no tongue

   I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake and a hug as a greeting instead of the whole a$$ sniffing thing.

   My wife clips coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $300 Coach purse.

   Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

   I'd rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned.

   Brace yourselves. Here come all the imbeciles to remind us that Veterans Day is for the living and Memorial Day is for the deceased.

   Date a woman with outstanding warrants. That way, she can't call the police on you. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Anyone else find it funny that during Pride Month, So many people said "why does the military only get one day" but I have not heard Anyone say it today

   Because the military is land of the free home of there brave, and pride month is a man that talks like a fairy and wears a man bun and probably paints his nails. Just sayin'

   Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

   Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

   Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off– The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

   what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form

   Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

   My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.

   If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.

   Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.