Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.
←Rate | 08-15-2019 20:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 12:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 13:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't keep in touch with my family very often. But when I do, I hear it on the Police Scanner.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 14:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot
←Rate | 08-21-2019 15:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon tRUmp has even divided a place for jokes.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 21:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you're pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
←Rate | 08-21-2019 13:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.
←Rate | 08-14-2019 06:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you were surprised by jeffrey Epstein's suicide, just imagine how surprised he was!
←Rate | 08-10-2019 21:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:35 Comments (1)  

   messageicon WOW! I can't believe the Guard who was guarding Jeffery Epstein was killed in an automobile accident - Tomorrow or Monday!
←Rate | 08-11-2019 16:00 by Fluff!! Comments (0)  

   messageicon This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
←Rate | 03-26-2018 14:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!
←Rate | 10-21-2018 05:44 by Truman Comments (0)  

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