Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon You know you're old if you remember a time when the only thing you could do with a telephone was talk on it.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 22:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon tRUmp has even divided a place for jokes.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 21:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm going to buy Greenland and Mexico will pay for it!!!
←Rate | 08-21-2019 20:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot
←Rate | 08-21-2019 15:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
←Rate | 08-21-2019 15:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and facebook friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. Orson Welles
←Rate | 08-21-2019 14:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You have to admit, Donald Trump is bigger than Jesus right now. Thank you President Trump for all the good you're doing.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 14:49 by @chatbycc Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't keep in touch with my family very often. But when I do, I hear it on the Police Scanner.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 14:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you're pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
←Rate | 08-21-2019 13:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I dont know what it is about sex that has me panting afterwards. Maybe its the physical exertion, complex techniques, age... or could just be inflating the darn blow up doll every single time!
←Rate | 08-21-2019 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching The Wiggles over and over..
←Rate | 08-21-2019 13:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 13:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving. Haha, just a little joke to get us started. Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 12:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Based on my Netflix recommendations I'm either a serial killer or chef
←Rate | 08-21-2019 12:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon me: [using doggie poop bag at park] stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once me: yeah wouldn't want anyone to step in it stranger: what's your dog's name me: dog?
←Rate | 08-21-2019 12:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?
←Rate | 08-21-2019 06:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like "Wow, She's so light." and "Is she even in here?"
←Rate | 08-21-2019 06:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Need a math nerd to solve problem: I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun
←Rate | 08-21-2019 05:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Need a math nerd to solve problem:I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch
←Rate | 08-21-2019 05:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 05:54 Comments (0)  


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