Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop naming hospitals after dead people. I'm mean give us some hope? Where is the Keith Richards Memorial Hospital?

   The Lion King is the best way that people from Michigan can see a group of Lions come together and win

   When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.

   Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.

   I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

   Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying

   Somebody clearly missed the opportunity of a lifetime when they called the game Mario Kart instead of Mario Speedwagon.

   Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.

   I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”

   "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.

   When you work hard, save your money, go out and buy that expensive thing you've always wanted, then your lazy friend says "Must be nice."

   Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.

   "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great advertising slogan for a condom company.

   No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.

   Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones

   I've always wanted to lay naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Unfortunately, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

   Remix to conviction.. hot and ready for prison..R. Kelly

   Area 51 is where they keep the working McDonalds iced cream machine.