Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can’t wait for the day when all the DJ Khaled fans turn 30 years old. Music today absolutely blows and he’s the leader. Just because you can push a button and yell a random phrase like “go n get it” does not make you an artist.

   Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.

   If a Fire-Fighter's career can go up in smoke, and a plumber's career can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

   Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?

   Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"

   You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

   I know there are idiot Savants, but are there Savant idiots ?.. Because lately stupid people sure do think they are smart !

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   People don't want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.

   "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

   a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy

   I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.

   Kids, here's how to get double candy on Halloween. Put on your costume. Then cover it with a sheet. Go to door the first time as ghost. Take sheet off go back again with other costume. Bam double candy. Happy Halloween.