Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I can’t wait for the day when all the DJ Khaled fans turn 30 years old. Music today absolutely blows and he’s the leader. Just because you can push a button and yell a random phrase like “go n get it” does not make you an artist.
←Rate | 05-19-2019 00:36 by Cicci Comments (0)  


   messageicon Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.
←Rate | 04-08-2018 14:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a Fire-Fighter's career can go up in smoke, and a plumber's career can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?
←Rate | 02-04-2019 13:16 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?
←Rate | 04-16-2018 02:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
←Rate | 07-18-2018 07:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.
←Rate | 08-22-2018 09:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"
←Rate | 09-20-2017 08:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
←Rate | 05-10-2019 13:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I know there are idiot Savants, but are there Savant idiots ?.. Because lately stupid people sure do think they are smart !
←Rate | 07-21-2018 18:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
←Rate | 12-04-2017 12:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.
←Rate | 04-08-2018 13:55 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?
←Rate | 03-30-2018 14:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years
←Rate | 10-12-2017 13:30 by CrackY Comments (0)  


   messageicon We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
←Rate | 12-09-2017 23:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
←Rate | 12-16-2017 08:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People don't want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
←Rate | 11-17-2017 06:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.
←Rate | 12-13-2018 09:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
←Rate | 04-17-2018 13:36 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kids, here's how to get double candy on Halloween. Put on your costume. Then cover it with a sheet. Go to door the first time as ghost. Take sheet off go back again with other costume. Bam double candy. Happy Halloween.
←Rate | 10-29-2018 16:25 by Haha Comments (0)  




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