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R.I.P PHIL HARRIS FROM DEADLIEST CATCH. WE LOVE WATCHING YOU 
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
Rapper: " I'm killing snitches, then I smoke a blunt get high and F*ck they b*tches" *wins award* Rapper; "I just want to thank god..."
Pants up don't loot!!!
Dear girls who take a pic in slutty clothing & glasses & label the caption "nerddd lol" You're not a nerd, you're a w$ore who found glasses
Bill Clinton was recently seen smoking a pipe. When asked why he wasn't smoking a cigar he said, ''Cigars are for pu**ies." Clinton rules!
Remember ladies, your body is a temple, not a theme park
I hate when I have trouble opening a jar or bottle I closed myself earlier -- a time when, obviously, I possessed superhuman strength and no regard for the weaker me I would eventually become.
your really ugly, please stop trying to take seductive pictures of yourself...
You can tell all you need to know about a person by whether they bring the banana to their mouth or mouth to the banana.
Why can't rappers rap about nice things? YEAH GIRL I'm GOING TO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHS AND ....... Give them to a homeless guy because he's cold
Who else thinks ambulances and fire trucks would be more efficient if they played "Move b!tch, get out the way" instead of using a siren?
Have you ever eaten a Hot Dog backwards?
Our boss called the office together this morning to show us where all the plug sockets are. I hate power point presentations.....
death gotta be easy cause life is hard. It'll leave you physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred
I leave notes on people's windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
China: 1.2 billion people. 50 last names.
Let's be sensitive this Halloween and not be rude. They are no longer "Ghosts", they are Apparition Americans.
My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said "Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me". So I put shampoo in her eyes.
I'm done being nice and listening to my female friends complain about the men the choose to be with. Either get rid of him or stop venting to me about them! And why I'm at it, don't tell me all the good guys are taken when I am in fact a good guy. 