Funny Status Messages

   The condoms need to be located in the fu*king baby aisle Next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans

   looking at photos and seeing how much weight I've gained which has inspired me to make a resolution for 2011: NO MORE PHOTOS!

   I hate people that are conceited. I am so much better than them.

   Dear bacon company - is it too challenging to make a package I don't need to destroy to get open and that doesn't leave my hands covered in grease?

   Teacher: Imagine you're in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do? Boy: Easy, stop imagining.

   My grandpa used to say "The best cure for a broken heart is a piping hot bowl of mom's homemade chicken soup. And a hooker."

   I don't know if my liver or heart hurts more during a break up...

   has a feeling that the so-called "Highway To Hell" looks just like a Wal-Mart parking lot

   Its annoying when I get a notification then see its about a post that I commented on like a week ago. Its lost its luster by then. There should be a statute of limitations on such things.

   If cigarettes are required to have graphic warning labels, beer manufacturers should have to warn drinkers of possible sex with ugly people...

   Forget scholarships and honor societies - the highest academic complement is getting an awesome grade on a paper you half-assed at four in the morning the day it was due.

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day

   I laid awake all night again worrying about why I'm always so tired

   It's better to live one day as a lion, than a hundred as a sheep

   At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted?

   This girl I know is thinking about havin beer pong at her reception... that's walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."

   Early map makers were mostly men, which explains why Florida was usually drawn about 3 inches longer than its actual size.

   never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version.?

   They named a hurricane after a guy, and where did it go? Straight for the virgin islands!