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If the lion wasn't a coward and the Scarecrow had a brain, they would have warned the Tinman that he was better off without a heart. 
Apparently even the word n ipple is flagged on h ere.
Reality Show Idea: A funeral home where the casket is turned into a mechanical bull.. Whoever rides it the longest gets the person's belongings.
I just swallowed a little hair color. I think I'm going to dye.
I'm fat, but not "hotel towels no longer fit around my waist" fat.
You're allowed to make anti-gay statements, and companies are allowed to make anti-you statements by firing you. Free speech works.
I think I'll open a Chinese restaraunt and call it "Wok Your Dog."
I heard the man who invented the cross word puzzle past away....did you hear this? yea they buried him 6 feet down and 3 feet across
A doctor told me to smoke weed everyday. His name is Dr Dre
Fair warning to bros calling me a sissy... your face WILL be posted on my Pinterest.
Me, at Wal-Mart: Why is there a buckle on this ski rope? Sir, that's a belt.
Only 40 days till Christmas... you know what that means? 41 days till I jump back in the dating pool!!
having a "foodgasm".
Its so cold, Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick
Insomnia is like Viagra; It can keep you up all night.
guys are like dogs, put them on a leash and they'll be chassin every puss in sight!
the letter after W and the letter before Y...duh?! :)
Google Uranus
noticed on the news earlier that the Popemobile has got a very distinctive personal number plate: 1 H4V3 M4DD13. No idea what that's all about.
meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice but falling in love with you I had no control over 