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my girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.. apparently " heating your dinner " wasn't the right answer. 
My mate has absolutey no luck with women. Even when he calls one of those premium rate chat lines they tell him he has the wrong number.
Had a mini anxiety attack wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
I told the lady Jimmy John delivery driver to give me a call when she was promoted to sandwich making.
Y.O.L.O.???? Oh you've found out that you only live once? Please, tell me more about your other scientific discoveries.
I think humans 'marching on the spot' is probably the reason aliens don't bother invading us...
Are we running out of chickens to eat? Another student found eating brains and heart cops says!
n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags? Ok, maybe I don't know what the word ‘ironic' means.
why drink and drive when you can.....drink and watch tv
I just spent an hour chasing a rabbit trying to take a picture of it. What has instagram done to me?.
My bathroom scale and I have our ups and downs.
Then repost off page 200 or earlier.. Something we didnt just see.
They say to stay away from a girl who is a succubus.... not me, I just changed my name to Bus.
I'll fix your computer, but I don't do Windows. ~Mac repairmen
Text me like its being read back to you by Chris Hansen.
Everything has a purpose. The burnt fry is used to scrape off half the mayo on the burger…
My favorite compliment of late was,,, "you're SO funny,, but seriously, are you ok?"
My Hair: "Life is so wild and free!" My Underarms: "Life is the pits." My Crotch: "Life stinks." My Ankles: "LIFE IS CRUSHING ME!"
I won a math-debate
I was sooo legit, that I quit. 