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running out of time and screaming at the flying monkeys 
My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird a## quiz where he reveals the answer first.
I once had fake plants in my house, but they died, because I forgot to pretend to water them.
allergic to wasps and arrogant people.
marriage is really tough cause you have to deal with feelings....and lawyers
Why is it that when you get a woman pregnant, everyone rubs her belly saying "congratulations" but nobody ever rubs your junk and says "good job"?
I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to h3ll.
I just shot my first turkey today....it sure scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section.
"Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen. " And you're a human being not a lobster?!
Sad to say this, Bernie campaign is on life support. Perhaps a GoFundMe page to revitalize his campaign might help...
Somewhere along the line, this country's slogan went from "Make America Great Again
You know your life took a turn for the worst when you get interviewed for a job opening by someone old enough to be your grandchild.
I put my Facebook status as "I kissed a girl" and then I liked it. -ad
Well at least Jesse Drives off to the need for speed trailer.
While installing a program, when it asks many time, "Are you sure?"Well now I'm not sure! :))
Personal Foul......Holding.......and Unsportsmanlike Conduct Sorry I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
Like if you have a healthy mind, unlike if you don't.
Why buy the camel when you can get the toe for free ...
You know it's November when 250 different programs about JFK assassination air on television..
Sometimes you look at a person, and it begs the question: was he born an idiot or had any additional courses completed?
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