Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If I was a billionaire, I would fly all over the world in my private jet helping poor people, feeding hungry kids, and b itches.

   I don't date because I have a kitten. Making more than one pu$$y happy is hard I tell you.

   Every time I see a continuous smile on a person's face, I get paranoid that they might be insecure with no money or nice partner.

   i have no new years resolution. I can't take the pressure to keep one

   DIARY OF A BACHELOR - Day 689: I am happy to report that I am still in total control and command of my sperm which I continue to manage successfully and thus have not impregnated any female out of wedlock, thanks mostly to self-control and quality c0ndoms

   OK FB friends, quit asking questions on FB. You know how the internet works, don't you??

   Honey maybe you will feel better if you poop.

   never make presumptions about who will get chicken pox...I don't like to blemish my reputation by making rash predictions

   If I ever die and find out there is no heaven or hell I am going to be really pissed.

   been watching the Puppy Bowl. What's I miss??

   If I had a dollar for every time I used the phrase "If I had a dollar", I'd be as rich as I wanted to be...and boring to talk to...if I had a dollar.

   New study finds sex with condoms just as satisfying as without. Had Kanye West known this…

   Starting my prune juice and baked bean diet tomorrow

   ’m in such a good mood I think I’m going to cook* a delicious dinner**! (*open, **bottle of wine)

   went to a carnival trying to win an X-box Kinect and the next thing he knew , he'd lost his entire life savings and all he had to show for it was a giant banana with dreadlocks.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that notices all of your faults and reminds you about them daily.

   was wondering if anybody wants to come over and practice the lift from Dirty Dancing because my cat is soooooo not having it right now. Needless to say she did not "have the time of her life" and she owes it all to me.

   When two Egotists meet, it's always an I for an I

   Does the fact that I supply my own chloroform make me look desperate?

   The more you cry, the less you have to pee.