Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Being heard is something, but being felt is a whole different thing.

   the only friends I have ignore me and act like they are my boyfriend. weird

   I never fart when I'm with a woman. I'm saving myself for marriage.

   i always said "im so hungry I could eat a horse" but I think i'll pass

   I have a confession too Oprah...

   i miss you like a deadline

   So rumor has it that Tiger Woods and Lindsay Vonn are dating....I wonder if he thinks it will be easier to go downhill on her....

   unequivocally denies visiting an anti-aging clinic in Miami in order to receive performance-enhancing PEDS to do his daily status updates. Any claims to the contrary are baseless and are coming out of left field.

   i'm really good at totally screwing myself over

   Some people carb load, I caffiene load, which is just a gateway load leading to tequila loading.

   I have just one word for my critics. Kissmyass...

   The world would run a lot smoother if more men knew how to dance.

   Always remind her to 'calm down' and 'be reasonable'. Otherwise she might forget those things and remain enraged

   It's embarrassing when I get caught dressing one of you with my eyes.

   I brought sexy back but I brought it from the 70s and now everyone is laughing at my clothes.

   So lately I've started describing myself as OPPOP. That's the opposite of popular and no, you may not use that.

   Tried to share a Burger with a Homeless guy ..He said F#K OFF!! Buy Your OWN!!!

   You guys are SO lucky that I "like" posts on a curve

   To be fair, my hand is prettier than most of the girls I've slept with, I should stop cheating on it.

   Sometimes I just get so frustrated by the rush-hour traffic that I slam my head on the steering wheel. That's usually followed by the bus driver telling me to get out.