Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   10 feet tall, weighs 500lbs, breathes fire and can take a shot gun blast standing

   even if it kills me, i'm still gonna smile!

   back from commercial break and can now resume ignoring his wife.

   sorry he was late, but had a penalty shoot-out with the ghost of a flea!

   Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

   A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to thespread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

   that person your mother warned you about.

   a pocket full of sunshine

   Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too?

   My dog is very high-strung. He is part Mini-Schnauzer and part chocolate meth lab.

   11.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   To say things are going "swimmingly" is always a good thing. Except when you're on a cruise.

   Express Lane: Five beers or less.

   making deposits into her buzz account...

   Some people have no trouble making ends meet. Their foot is always in your mouth!

   girlfriends don't cry.... thats just blackmail

   Feeling like Mr. Pink, although everything is going wrong I'm going to make it out alive!!

   i dont get it? if pandas eat bamboo all the time why are they so fat???

   Dear Lord... When he stands before you for judgment, let him stay around for a while. Give him the grand tour and introduce him to the thousands of people who have been waiting there for over a decade to forgive him. (continued...)

   UseI think I missed the driver ed class on how inching forward every 5 seconds at a red light makes it turn green faster